There were many that I’ve forgotten most, but three still stand out:

*  The time he went to a petrol station on foot, drank petrol direct from the pump and went blind for half an hour.

*  The time he had trials for Inter Milan. He wasn’t the best footballer, it has to be said, but apparently they were “desperate to sign him” but he had to say no, as it would have affected his school work. They understood apparently, and as a goodwill gesture, they let him keep a shirt, which he always played in.

*  The time he had sex with one of the Chemistry teachers. He’d bumped into her on Shields Road, which is a less than upmarket shopping street in Newcastle, and apparently she was “gagging for it”. So they went to hers and he shagged her, though he had to do it up the arse as her “fanny was manky”.

Lost touch with him now. Shame.”

(thanks to Thomas Bagnall)

He said he was then rushed into a blacked-out SUV and taken back to the 5-star hotel where they were staying and told by authorities never to mention it again.

An hour later at said Christmas party, he proceeded to get his cock out and ask a fellow male member of sales to “cup it… or at the very least cup my balls…”"

(thanks to Gemma)

He was a keen mountain biker, and competed regularly. This I can vouch for, however some of his alleged performances I cannot.

To the utter amazement of his peers he once regaled us with a true gem. In the Northern Area Mountain Bike Series [NAMBS, a particularly competitive racing series] he was approximately halfway through a 1 hour race when he came off his bike and rather agonisingly broke his leg rather badly. Suffice to say he was on crutches when he told this story.

Our jaws collectively dropped when he continued his story. Not only did he severely fracture his leg, but he went on to win the race! That’s right, with a broken fucking leg!”

(thanks to anon)

Our hero was delighted but had no condoms – fortunately, the girl said that as she was sober she would drive home and pick some up, then go back to his.

She drove off into the night, and he never saw her again – well, he did, but he didn’t recognise her because – in his own words…

‘Her car slipped on black ice and hit a tree, and she died. The paramedics got there quick enough to revive her, but the methods they used were pioneering and untested and she woke up as a 4ft 11in black woman.’”

(thanks to @weaselpipe)

About three days into his “holiday” he was spotted standing at a bus stop in town by a friend who was on a passing bus – having briefly made eye contact, the bullshitter made a pitiful attempt at hiding by sloooowly stepping behind a post box. When the friend texted him to say he’d seen him in town he claimed it must have been a lookalike.

Later that night he uploaded some mobile images on to his Facebook page of a rhino statue and some African kids dancing on the street. Funnily enough it only took about five minutes of Googling ‘South Africa’ to find identical copies of these pictures on the internet.

Another friend texted him asking if it was ok to go round and borrow some DVDs from his flat (he had a key) only to be told “my cousin is staying in the flat while I’m away so you can’t”. After some pressing he eventually said “okay, you can go round on Saturday evening when he’s out BUT DON’T GO IN THE BEDROOM”.

Unfortunately the friend didn’t go round in the end but I like to think that the bullshitter spent that entire Saturday night hiding out in his bedroom cupboard listening for keys in the door.”

(thanks to ‘anonymous’)

(thanks to Gary)

She also claimed her mother knitted her cardigan despite the “St. Michael” label inside, which she said her mum had sewn in specially.

Bullshit from a six-year-old. Brilliant.”

(thanks to Rachel Myburgh)

Keith was undersized, skinny and had hair like Billy Whizz, and one of his regular bits of bullshit was about his life when he joined the Marines, and how he got thrown out of the Green Berets for being ‘too hard’. But if you questioned him about this he would say he ‘couldn’t talk about it’ because of the Official Secrets Act.

Mind you, this didn’t stop him telling us about the time he went on holiday to Spain and ended up in a gun battle around the swimming pool. He had to be evacuated by helicopter by Special Forces.

I’d advise you not to be too specific on your website about Keith as he was WELL HARD and he might ‘come round with a machete and do you all over.”

(thanks to Jacque)

For the first couple of weeks (during my handover) he was late by about 10 – 15 minutes each day and when I eventually confronted him about this, he insisted that he was late because he had to be up at 5am each day to do his Olympic swimming training.

Bearing in mind he was a chubby chap I was somewhat sceptical about his claims and quizzed him at length about his athletic prowess. He told me he didn’t need to be that fit because he had size 16 feet so could keep up with all of the other world-class swimmer. I hope you read this Lewis, you cock.”

(thanks to Ben)

- Having sex behind the mixing desk at Cream, with multiple willing groupies.

- Opening at a U2 after show party and sharing some ‘gak’ with Bono.

- Drinking two crates of the tequila-enhanced lager ‘Desparado’ during a single DJ session in the South of France – that’s 48 bottles. Funnily enough I only saw him at the pub once where he drank coke whilst telling everyone he would be larging it, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was on ‘medication’.

- Discovering Orbital. Strangely, there is no mention of his pivotal role on Wikipedia or on their website.

He never made it clear why he swapped his wild DJ’ing career for life on a helpdesk.. but I am sure that if pressed he would have simply said that he had tired of all the free drugs and wild sex and decided to settle down to a life of fixing peoples PC’s and starting every fucking sentence with the phrase “Back when I was a top DJ…”.”

(thanks to Stuart)