“I used to work as an IT manager and when I was leaving I was tasked with finding my replacement, I interviewed a few folk but the one who got the job had a young family, was fairly knowledgeable and seemed keen so he got the job.

For the first couple of weeks (during my handover) he was late by about 10 – 15 minutes each day and when I eventually confronted him about this, he insisted that he was late because he had to be up at 5am each day to do his Olympic swimming training.

Bearing in mind he was a chubby chap I was somewhat sceptical about his claims and quizzed him at length about his athletic prowess. He told me he didn’t need to be that fit because he had size 16 feet so could keep up with all of the other world-class swimmer. I hope you read this Lewis, you cock.”

(thanks to Ben)